Post 17 ~ Part 3 - The Moment I Chose Not to Go Back Out

Before I left California, I still had drug diversion to deal with, and I was on probation. I didn’t tell them I was leaving the state. Apparently, the justice system frowns on that. Who would have thought?

At the same time, I was actually trying to work a program. One of the first things I kept hearing in meetings was, “This is an honest program.”

So, I thought, maybe I should try honesty for once.

I told my public defender I had left the state.He told me I needed to come back to California.

I started searching for a way to make it work. I remembered hearing, have faith and just do the next right thing.

Wouldn’t you know… I found a drug diversion program I could do online that the California courts would approve.

The first requirement was attending a 12-step meeting every day.

I was already doing that.

My parents booked my flight home for May.

Before I left, I met some incredible people. One of them was another Lisa. To this day, I call her my CDA Lisa.

I remember driving to a meeting with her, music blasting, windows down. She looked at me and said, “It’s probably good you’re going back to California… because we could get into some trouble.”

Now, she had 13 years clean.

So when she said trouble… it was the kind of trouble you never forget.

Good, clean fun.

Then I went back to California.

My first sponsor picked me up from the airport and let me stay with her and her roommate. She was so proud to see me clean. The last time she saw me; she was scared for me.

I went to court. They gave me until September to complete everything.

I saw my parents. I saw Hunter. Karl was with his dad’s parents.

Then I went back to Santa Monica.

And for a while… life felt good.

We had fun.

We ate Pho.We went to meetings.We went to a 50’s diner.We went to meetings.We ate more Pho.We went to meetings.

And yes… chocolate mousse from Amici’s.

We definitely had a relationship with food.

But slowly, something started to shift.

The recovery I had built in Idaho… started slipping.

The old behaviors came back.

You know the ones.

The boys.

I met a guy from North Dakota who knew my cousin. He told me he was clean.

My sponsor looked at me and said, “Roni… I think you need to go back to Idaho. I can see you losing the light you had there.”

So naturally… I bought a plane ticket to North Dakota.

Because that makes perfect sense, right?

Let me tell you something I learned the hard way.

When someone tells you they’re clean…you don’t just trust it.

You verify it.

I didn’t.

And I was wrong.

Within a couple of days, I knew I was in trouble. The kind of trouble that leads you right back to where you came from.

I could feel it.

I was going to get loaded.

But this time, I did something different.

I picked up the phone.

I called Bobbi.

I asked for help.

And because of that call, between Bobbi, Judy, and others, I had a ticket on Amtrak heading back to Spokane.

But before I left, something happened I didn’t expect.

There was a little girl. Seventeen years old. She had already experienced things no child should ever go through. Addiction. Sexual assault.

And somehow… for that short time, I was there to help her.

I still believe I wasn’t there by accident.

Then I got on that train.

And when I got to Spokane, Judy and her husband were there waiting for me again.

No judgment.

No questions.

Just… “You can stay here.”

All I had to do was get a job and keep doing the next right thing.

And for the first time, I started to realize something.

Every time I tried to run…I ended up right back where I was supposed to be.

But this time felt different.

Because now I knew what was waiting for me if I went back out.

And I also knew… staying clean would require more than just meetings and good intentions.

It was going to require me to change everything.