Post 24 ~ Part 10: My Body Was Begging Me to Stop

Now that I have shared one of the happiest moments of my life, let’s talk about some of the scary things that can happen to your health after addiction.

Throughout my life, I have been sick often. Many times, doctors could not figure out what was wrong for a long time. I remember when I got chicken pox as a little girl. We could not understand why my sisters, Cari and Cyndi, recovered so much faster than I did.

My mom finally took me in for blood work. After several tests, they concluded I had Epstein-Barr, which is connected to autoimmune issues. That was really the beginning of my battle with my own immune system.

I used to joke and say, “I collect autoimmune diseases like someone collects coins.”

You will notice throughout my story, no matter how hard things got with my health, I always tried to stay positive. Humor and laughter became survival tools for me. Sometimes they were the only things that got me through the darkest moments.

Right before what I call the Spiral Relapse, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.

Yep. Another autoimmune disease.

Fast forward a couple of years into active addiction. One thing about addiction is that we tend to ignore the terrifying signs our body is giving us. We ignore the moments that should scare us because the addiction is louder than our survival instinct. We convince ourselves we are okay, even while our body is begging us to stop poisoning it.

Mine happened on that final day living under the juniper tree. The day I got arrested for the last time.

This part is hard for me to share because it is embarrassing. But if I am going to tell the truth about addiction, then it has to be the whole truth. The ugly truth. The painful truth. Because that truth might help save someone’s life.

I remember walking through the trailer park when suddenly I felt myself go to the bathroom while I was walking.

There was no warning.

No control.

Just complete humiliation.

What I did not realize at the time was that my body was trying to shut down. Releasing my bowels was a sign my body was in serious distress from everything I had been putting into it.

When I look back on that moment now, I think about the saying, “Sometimes God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.”

Because honestly, I do not know if I would have stopped on my own.

A woman in the trailer park saw me and felt sorry for me. She handed me a pair of jeans and underwear from her garage sale. That small act of kindness meant more to me than she will probably ever know.

I changed clothes and then wandered into a field looking at rocks.

That is where I got arrested for the last time.

When I got to jail, something was very wrong with my stomach. I felt like I could not eat enough, but every time I ate, I immediately had to run to the restroom. Thank God my bunkie was understanding because I was scared and embarrassed.

When I moved to Washington and Idaho during my first year of recovery, the stomach problems never stopped. There was even a period later in recovery where I could barely eat for almost 60 days.

Recovery saved my life, but my body still had to deal with the damage addiction left behind.

One thing I learned through all of this is that not everyone will treat you kindly once they know you are an addict.

Some doctors and people will look at you with disgust. Maybe because they believe you willingly chose this life. Maybe because they have never personally seen someone recover and succeed. Or maybe they simply do not understand addiction at all.

But do not stop believing in people.

Keep pushing forward.

Because one day, you will find incredible people too.

You will find the doctors who refuse to give up on you. The ones who will fight just as hard as you are fighting. I was blessed to find a GI doctor who would stop at absolutely nothing to figure out what was wrong with me. A doctor who looked at me and called me a miracle because I survived active addiction and found recovery.

You will also find people who look at you with admiration and respect because they understand how hard you fought to come back from the depths of hell.

Those are the people who help you believe in yourself again.

My doctors have told me that many of my intestinal problems were likely caused by the drugs I put into my body during addiction. They told me they hoped things would improve after I had around ten years clean.

And thankfully, they have improved.

But along the way, I still became severely sick because autoimmune diseases make everything harder.

COVID almost killed me. I developed double pneumonia and became so sick I could barely get out of bed.

Then in 2024, I got some kind of viral infection that doctors could not fully identify. Whatever it was attacked my lungs too and caused overwhelming fatigue. It lasted through parts of 2025.

There were days I wondered if my body would ever feel normal again.

But by the grace of God, I am doing much better now.

And through every bit of it, I stayed clean.

I walked through sickness.I walked through fear.I walked through exhaustion.I walked through uncertainty.

And I did it all with the love and support of my family and friends.

AND I STAYED CLEAN.

I want you to know something if you are struggling right now:

You can walk through absolutely anything and stay clean, as long as you do not put dope in your body.

No matter how hard life gets, there is nothing addiction cannot make worse.