Post 25 ~ Part 11 - Living in Faith, Not Fear

I hope everyone survived without a post from me while I was off exploring Alaska! 😊 Now, let’s get back to the story after our engagement party.

Have you ever gotten clean and finally felt like life was truly good… but deep down you still carried this fear that it could not possibly last?

Well, that was me.

I remember sitting on the back of Bill’s motorcycle shortly after our engagement, thinking to myself, “Wow… I actually have an amazing life. I have everything I have ever wanted and dreamed of.”

I was living clean. I had around three years clean at that point.

I had my family back in my life.I had custody of Hunter.I was Matt’s mom.Stina called me Mom.I got to talk to Karl regularly.And I had an incredible man who truly saw me for me, loved me completely, and wanted to marry me.

But as soon as I got to that last thought, this overwhelming anxiety would hit me.

It was like this voice in my head whispering, “This is not going to last. The other shoe is going to drop.”

I carried that fear for months.

Every time Bill and I rode on a winding road or through a mountain pass, I would sit there terrified that I was going to lose everything in a motorcycle accident or some random tragedy. It was like I was just waiting for life to fall apart.

One of the greatest things about our relationship was that we could tell each other absolutely anything. Bill and I always talked openly about what was going on in our heads.

When I finally told him how scared I was, he did everything he could to reassure me that everything was going to be okay.

The funny thing about anxiety is that it is irrational. Even when life is beautiful, your mind can still convince you disaster is right around the corner.

Eventually, something started to shift in me while riding on the back of that motorcycle.

I started praying.

At first, my prayers sounded like:“God, please take this anxiety away.”

But slowly those prayers turned into conversations. It became less about asking God for things and more about talking to Him like a friend.

And then I learned something even bigger:I had to stop just talking and start listening.

I had to watch for the signs.I had to trust the process.I had to let go of control.

One of my favorite things my sponsor, Kristina, ever told me was that when we ask God for help, we also have to prepare ourselves to do the work needed to get where we are supposed to be.

In this moment, my work was learning how to let go and hand my fear over to my higher power.

That took time.But eventually, I did it.

Through every step, every life event, every loss, every victory, and every fear, I had to trust my higher power to help carry me through clean.

And I did that by making one simple choice every single day:

Not putting dope in my body.

Slowly, I started learning that I could survive the hardest battles and experience the greatest joys of my life clean and with faith in something bigger than myself.

Then, three months before our wedding, life threw us another curveball.

Our landlord decided to sell the house.

At the same time, Bill left his clean-and-sober motorcycle club.

Suddenly, we had to pack up our lives in 20 days while planning a wedding at the same time.

Again, I leaned on my higher power.

Bill always used to tell me:“If we are living in fear, we are not living in faith.”

And honestly, those words stayed with me.

We got married on June 17, 2017.

BEST DAY EVER… as my granddaughter Abby would say. 😊

After the wedding, we took off for a trip across the United States from Washington State.

We went to Sturgis, Mount Rushmore, and Niagara Falls.

That was a LONG drive!

While we were in Niagara Falls, I discovered I am severely afraid of heights. Bill tried convincing me to walk out onto the glass bridge. That was not happening! Ever!

From there we headed to New York City and Times Square. We ate Philly cheesesteaks in Philadelphia and then met up with my longtime friend Melissa in Virginia Beach for breakfast. We have known each other since sixth grade, so getting to see her and meet her kids meant so much to me.

Then we stopped in Florida to spend time with my sister Cari.

We traveled through New Orleans, where they have the best beignets and cappuccinos ever.

Then we made our way through Texas, Arizona, and California before finally heading home.

What we discovered after spending three weeks stuck together in a car and in hotels across the country was something pretty important:

We still liked each other.We still laughed together.And we still laughed at each other’s jokes.

That is when I knew this marriage was going to work.

One thing life has taught me is that just when you think everything is perfect, life can still throw curveballs your way.

But with faith in your higher power, support from good people, and the decision not to put dope in your body…

You really can get through absolutely anything clean.

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