Post 33 – Trusting the Plan

You will often hear me say, "By the grace of God, I am alive and clean today."

That isn't just something I say. It is the absolute truth.

I could not have done this alone, and I continue to stay clean by trusting that God has a purpose for my life, even when I cannot see it.

I know I haven't talked much about God in my blog, and there is a reason for that.

When someone is first thinking about getting clean, the idea of God or a Higher Power can feel impossible. Many of us immediately hear the words God or Higher Power and think, religion.

That wasn't my experience.

Religion is not what saved my life.

Recovery taught me something much different.

A Higher Power is a spiritual connection to something greater than ourselves. For me, that Higher Power is God. For someone else, it may look different, and that's okay.

My relationship with my Higher Power has changed throughout my recovery.

In the beginning, I struggled with the idea of God. I carried years of pain and trauma, and I couldn't understand how a loving God could allow so much devastation in one person's life.

So my first Higher Power wasn't God.

It was the ocean.

Every time I stood on the shoreline, listening to the waves crash against the sand, I felt something I hadn't felt in years.

Peace.

The ocean reminded me that there was something greater than my pain.

As I continued working my program, something beautiful happened.

My faith began to grow.

Slowly, my Higher Power became God.

Looking back now, I don't believe recovery simply teaches us how to stop using.

I believe recovery teaches us how to trust.

It teaches us that we don't have to carry every burden by ourselves.

It teaches us to surround ourselves with people who will hold us up when we are too weak to stand on our own.

It teaches us that even when life falls apart, we don't have to return to the one thing that once felt natural: getting loaded.

Instead, we learn to lean into faith.

We learn to ask for help.

We learn to trust that there is a plan, even when we cannot understand it.

Over the last year, God has shown me exactly what that looks like.

A year ago, I was overwhelmed.

I was struggling with anxiety because of work and with the hormones or lack there of with getting older. I didn't realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in my career. I thought I was in control, but in reality, I wasn't allowing God to lead me.

After nearly eight years with the same company, the decision had been made for me to leave.

At the same time, Bill and I traveled to California to celebrate my parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. We spent a month there making memories, laughing, and enjoying time together.

Then life shifted.

The day before Thanksgiving, while we were still in California, our landlord of nine years texted us to let us know they were selling the house. We suddenly had to find a new home in Spokane in the middle of winter.

It felt like everything was changing.

But something else happened during that trip that would quietly change the direction of my life.

My brother-in-law Allie looked at me and said, "God wants you to write a blog. People need to hear your story."

I'll be honest, I wasn't convinced.

A few days later, we took Abby, our granddaughter, and my son Karl to Universal Studios.

While we were waiting in line for a ride, Bill and I started talking with the family behind us. During the conversation, I mentioned what my brother-in-law had said.

The husband looked at me without hesitation and said, "You definitely need to write a blog."

I remember thinking, Alright, God... I hear You.

I had no idea that saying yes to that small prompting would change me.

Writing this blog has done so much more than give me a place to share my story.

It has strengthened my faith.

It has deepened my relationship with God.

It has helped me discover a purpose bigger than myself.

Every message I've received from someone who felt less alone has reminded me that God can use even our darkest chapters to bring hope to someone else.

What I didn't know was that God wasn't just giving me a purpose.

He was preparing me.

Because a few months later, our family received news that none of us wanted to hear.

My dad's cancer had come back.

There are moments when I still want to ask, "Why?"

There are moments when my heart hurts so deeply that I don't have the words to pray.

But today, I don't have to walk through this alone.

I get to lean on God.

I get to lean on my family.

I get to be present for my dad, who never gave up on me!

I get to lean on the people recovery has placed in my life.

Most importantly, I get to walk through one of the hardest seasons of my life completely clean.

Years ago, pain would have driven me back to drugs.

Today, pain drives me closer to God.

That doesn't mean I understand His plan.

It simply means I trust it.

And by the grace of God, I will continue to walk it one clean day at a time.

I get to show up.

I get to have feelings.

I get to let you all know we can do this clean.