Post #3 ~I Lost Everything, Then Got It Back

I remember being about sixteen, dating a really great guy named Jay. He drove a gray 1970 Chevrolet Nova, had the bad-boy look, but he wasn’t a bad boy at all. I really liked him.

We had been together for a while when he asked me a question I never expected: “Roni, will you stop using?”

I said yes. Of course I did.

What I meant in that moment wasn’t that I would stop. It was then that I would start hiding it better. I didn’t know how to live without using yet, and I was already afraid of losing the one thing that felt like it kept me going.

That conversation led to my first ultimatum, the first time I was faced with what looked like a choice between drugs and someone I cared about. And that pattern repeated itself over and over throughout my active addiction. Every ultimatum ended the same way.

I didn’t walk away because I didn’t love them. I walked away because addiction had already convinced me that using was the only thing I couldn’t lose.

In the end, it was always just me and my dope, my only constant.

That’s when people start saying things like, “I can’t believe she chose drugs over her family,” or “I can’t believe he couldn’t just stop drinking,” or “I can’t believe she walked away from her kids.”

If you’re reading this and thinking, That’s how people see me, I want you to know something: you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. I was that person once.

I didn’t wake up wanting to lose relationships, my home, my job, or my family. I didn’t stay in addiction because I didn’t care. I stayed because I didn’t believe I had another way to survive. Using felt like the only thing keeping me alive.

Maybe that’s where you are right now.

If it feels impossible to imagine a life without using… if you’ve tried and failed… if you’re exhausted, ashamed, or scared, you make sense. Addiction has a way of convincing you that this is as good as it gets.

But even if you can’t see it yet, there is another way.

You don’t have to fix everything today. You don’t have to become a different person overnight. You just have to know this: people do recover. Relationships can heal. Trust can be rebuilt. Dreams can come back to life.

I lost custody of my children, and I got them back. I rebuilt my life piece by piece. Not because I was special, but because recovery is possible.

You’re not too far gone. I don’t care how bad it looks right now. You can get your relationships back. You can be there for your kids again. Trust can be rebuilt, even if it feels impossible today. You can learn to trust people again, and you can live without drugs. It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be easy.

But if you’re willing to do the work, your life does not have to stay this way.

If you’re still using, you are not a lost cause. If you’re hurting, you are not alone. And if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay. Hope will still be here when you are.

A life I never knew I could have.

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