Post #11 ~Part 5 - The Spiral

Before I begin this part of my story, I want to offer a disclaimer. The next section is going to be raw and detailed. I am sharing it honestly because addiction is not pretty, and the desperation it creates is hard to understand unless you have lived it. My intention is not to glorify those moments, but to show the truth of how far addiction can take a person when pain and hopelessness take over.

I remember feeling desperate to get loaded every single day. The pain of losing my kids was something I did not know how to survive. Every waking moment felt like my chest was collapsing in on itself. The guilt, the shame, and the grief were all too much to carry.

What I did not realize at the time was that every time I tried to numb that pain, I was digging the hole even deeper.

In the beginning it felt like relief. Just for a moment the noise in my head would quiet down. The images of my kids being driven away, the sound of my own voice begging them not to take them, and the silence in my house afterward would fade for a little while.

But addiction is patient.

It does not fix the pain. It waits for it.

And the more broken I became, the stronger its grip got.

Before long, getting high was not about escape anymore.

It was about survival.

There was a lie I told everyone, including myself.

“I can stop whenever I want. I’ve done it before.”

I remember saying that to anyone who would listen. I truly believed it. I told people I had no problem giving it up for a while and that I could always go back to it later when I was ready. In my mind that meant I was still in control.

Looking back now, that was the addiction talking.

When I was younger I started by snorting lines. But this time, within a month, I had escalated to smoking it. I wanted to get higher, faster. That is the thing about addiction. The last high is never enough.

At one point I asked a friend about using a needle. I wanted to know what it was like.

He looked at me and said, “Absolutely not. That is like taking a walk with the devil.”

He meant it. He made sure everyone around me knew they were not allowed to let me use a needle or help me in any way.

At the time I was furious. I did not see it as protection. I saw it as control. And addicts do not like being told what they can or cannot do.

Even then, things were already spiraling.

I was arrested several times for being under the influence and possession.   Every time they told me the same thing. If I were just to check into rehab, if I were just to go through drug diversion, I could start fixing my life.

I remember having the intention to go more than once.

I just could never get myself to walk through the door.

Addiction does something strange to your mind. You can see the exit. You can hear people begging you to take it. Sometimes you even want to take it.

But the pull to use is louder than everything else.

And little by little, the person you used to be disappears.

That is when the spiral really began.

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