Post 19 ~ Part 5 - The Love I Didn’t Know Was Possible

Mar 29
4 min read

Updated: Apr 4

Let me start this by saying this: without the women in my 12-step program, I would not be the person I am today, and I would not have the recovery I have.

That summer with Wendy and Lisa was so much fun. Wendy and I are still just a couple of months apart on our clean dates to this day, and Lisa has even more time than both of us. But the most important thing is… we are all still clean today.

Mama and Judy have been constants in my life. We did lose Mama to cancer, and over the years, we have lost quite a few people to addiction too. That shook all of us. But through everything, the women in my life have never left. No matter what.

By the time I met Bill, I was back living in Washington. I asked Kristina to sponsor me again. I had already talked to Mama about it, and she agreed it was the right choice. Our friendship had been affected by sponsorship before, and I wanted to do it right this time.

After a couple of dates, I finally got used to calling him Bill instead of Shooter. I knew pretty quickly he was different from anyone I had dated before.

I remember sitting in his Bronco in the snow, telling him that my past relationships always ended in violence. I loved how he responded. Most guys would say something like, “You can trust me, I would never do that to you.” And honestly… when you hear that, run.

But Bill said, “I have 46 years of references that I have never laid a hand on a woman other than my sister… and usually she had it coming.”

I laughed so hard. But more importantly, I believed him.

After a meeting, we went back to Lisa’s house for a bit. Then he asked if I wanted to go play pool. I said yes.

Now, I had been talking like I was the best pool player ever.

We got there, and let me tell you something about Bill. He is not the type to let someone win just to make them feel good. First game, he went up once, cleared the table, and hit the eight ball.

That is when I realized… his name “Shooter” wasn’t just about being a good shot with a gun. He was a pretty good pool player too.

I was not happy. I am competitive.

I went and sat down, and he walked over to me fast, grabbed the back of my head, and kissed me.

The best first kiss of my life.

And the only thing that went through my head was…Oh, I’m in trouble.

In recovery, they always say no major decisions in your first year… especially relationships.

But Bill did something I never expected.

He took me to Kristina and asked her permission to date me.

She said, “I had a feeling… and Bill, you are not someone I’m worried about dating her.”

Kristina had known him for 14 years. When I heard that, I knew he had to be a good man.

Let me tell you about Bill.

He checked every box I ever had. And he made me laugh… constantly.

We moved fast, which could have been dangerous for my recovery. But it turned out to be the opposite. I watched him live the program, not just talk about it. In fatherhood, in work, in his MC life, and in recovery… he showed up the same way everywhere.

He had a son, Mathew. He was 11, and he was a mini version of his dad.

We connected quickly. We would talk all the time. One thing I will never forget… every time I went outside to smoke, he would come with his airsoft rifle and circle me like a bodyguard.

At 11 years old, he already had that protective instinct.

And I remember thinking…because his mom was still in active addiction,I had a chance to give Mathew something I wasn’t able to give Hunter at that same age.

I will never forget the first time Hunter met Bill and Mathew.

Him and Mathew clicked instantly. It was natural.

But what stuck with me the most was what Hunter said to me.

He said, “Mom… you guys don’t argue.”

I told him no. We had an agreement. No yelling. No name-calling.

And he looked at me and said, “Mom… you’ve got to marry him.”

I laughed and told him I wasn’t sure about getting married again… but we would see.

We spent so much time together… meetings, bowling, just living life.

And for the first time, I was in a healthy relationship with someone who understood that recovery comes first… and so does God.

But here’s the truth…

Just because something looks healthy doesn’t mean life stops testing it.

And just because I was finally doing things rightdoesn’t mean the past was done with me yet.